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what do you think about this story? i wrote it myself?

Labyrinth and Return of Labyrinth :)

Early in the morning sara was looking out the window she misses
Jareth. Sarah she wanted to go to school. She saw her friends at the
lockers. At her front of her desk it was a rose. It said secret love
on the card. At class she was taking a test. At lunch Sarah went to
her classmates and ask if she could join them. Yeah sure said Lulu.
She was staring at the tree. Is something wrong Sarah said Lulu. Not
really said Sarah. It was her last class of the day. Sarah loved art
class but she just remembered that she has to babysit Toby. It was
raining outside again on a school day. Sarah saw Jareth in the bus she
went into the bus he wasn’t there anymore. But it was too late to
reach him. Sarah hi said Lulu. She was going to party with her parents
Sarah didn’t have to babysit Toby today. She was wearing a beautiful
dress that it was pretty. It seemed pretty fimiliar it was from the
movie. Sarah was dancing with her dad. You look just like your mom
said her dad. Well I do said Sarah. Then at the same moment Jareth
showed up. Everyone got shocked especially
Sarah. Can I dance with her said Jareth. Sure said her dad. Hi love
Said Jareth. Sarah was speechless at the same time. He grabbed her
arms. Sarah and Jareth started to dance. They were both in love with
each other. Everyone started to clap for them. Her dad was happy for
Sarah. Jareth loved Sarah so much that he couldn’t forget her.Sarah
started to stare at his eyes. She couldnt stay away from Jareth she
thought that he was the one for her. Her dad was taking pictures.
Jareth was trying to kiss Sarah in a romantic way. She got closer to
him they finally kissed. Everyone was claping for Sara and Jareth.
Sarah felt like it was her wedding day for the one she loves. Her
cousin thougth that Jereth was cute. Sarah wanted to dance forever in
the dance floor. Should we take a break said Sarah. Yes we should said
Jareth. They finally sat down and rest. Sara fell asleep in a chair
Jereth was with different people in her family. Jareth went to check
on Sara he kissed her. Everyone was around Sarah and Jareth they said
they looked like a nice couple. The next day Sarah was at home with
her dress on. She was late for school. Sarah didnt have time to get
ready. At school everyone stared at her. Lulu was suprised about Sarah
it was shocking that she was wearing a beautiful dress. Wow Sarah you
look amazing said Lulu. Yeah I know isnt it great said Sara. She
forgot about the test that she failed to pass it. It was gym class
next Sarah change into her gym clothes. She still looked beautiful.
All the boys were staring at her. Sarah was the best runner in the
whole school. At last she wanted to wear the white beautiful dress. It
was really awesome to wear something good. Hi Sarah said Jareth. Hi
said Sarah. How did you enjoy that dance? Its was loving said Sara. I
glad that you enjoyed it said Jareth. This is for you said Jareth. Oh
thanks said Sarah. How you turned my world, you precious thing. I did
turned your world for you Jareth. You did Sarah you changed
everything for me said Jareth. Where’s Toby asked Jareth. He is asleep
in my dads room said Sarah. Five minutes later Sarah fell asleep too.
He watched Sarah and Toby sleeping for five hours. Jareth went back
to his castle near the labyrinth. Sarah knew it was midnigth she was
looking at the stars. Your eyes can be so cruel. She remembers his
voice from far away from his castle. She would like to fall in love
again. Sarah loves Jareth so much that she can’t let him go. Toby knew
that Jareth was here in the house. Sara was making powdered milk for
Toby. She heared Toby laughed upstairs in the bedroom. Toby was in the
floor crying. Oh Toby stop crying here your drink said Sarah. Where’s
Lancelot Toby asked Sarah. Toby pointed near the window. The crystal
was there near Lancelot. Sarah was shocked to see the crystal. Sarah
knew that Jareth was here in her house. Sarah picked up Lancelot and
gave it to Toby.
Sarah went to brush her teeth in the bathroom. Then her parents got
home from a special party. She took the crystal to her room. Sarah was
asleep in her bedroom she could see Jareth’s face in her head. It was
morning her dad had to go to work. Sarah had to stay with her step
mother and Toby. Sarah help said her step mother. Coming said Sarah.
Toby was crying again in the floor. Don’t torture Toby like that said
Sara. Okay Sarah said her step mother. Oh Toby I’m sorry that you were
in pain said Sarah. Let’s go outside Toby to have fun said Sarah.Sarah
honey I’m here said her father. Hi dad said Sarah. Dad my cruel step
mother left Toby alone in the floor said Sarah. At the same moment
Jareth showed up to see Sarah and Toby. Dada said Toby to Jareth. He
thinks your his dad said Sa
this story took me almost a year to think about it it takes time to create it i know i did bad on it i was to excited


3 Responses to “what do you think about this story? i wrote it myself?”

  1. Jezibelle, Girl in a Bottle says:

    Awful. Simply awful.

  2. Shiori_hime says:

    I only got through the first third or so. This needs a LOT of work. For example, the first paragraph is so jumpy I have no idea what’s supposed to be happening. First Sarah wants to go to school and two seconds later she’s taking a test. Slow down a little! Either explain these points or leave them out. If the main part of the story happens AFTER the exam, just start the story there and say something like, “Sarah had just taken the toughest exam of her life,” or whatever info about the exam would be relevant to the story.

    Second, you need to put quotation marks around speech, like I did with the quote about Sarah’s test.

    Third, you need to work on how you describe things. Learn the writing technique of “show don’t tell.” For example, instead of just saying a dress is beautiful, describe the dress. Talk about the color, the drape, the fabric, the pattern, the decorations, the way it made the character look. Help the reader form a mental image of the dress. Avoid sentences like “She was wearing a beautiful dress that it was pretty.” You don’t need to say that the dress was beautiful and pretty. They’re different degrees of the same thing so that description is redundant. Plus, the sentence as written doesn’t make any sense. The “that it was pretty” doesn’t make grammatical sense after the “she was wearing a beautiful dress” part.

    So yeah, start with those points, and then go from there to work on the plot.

  3. Sexy Sadie says:

    The sentences are so short and choppy it sounds like a rap song.

    I don’t really understand what is supposed to be happening here.

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