I am in hell. My fiance and I are supposed to be married at the end of next month and now I dont know if there is even going to be a wedding at all, ever.
In one day I managed to get his friend and friend’s GF to hate me (by fight through emails) and I went to a family meeting (that mind you I wasnt invited to by the rest of the family; he invited) to find out that his sibling needs a new organ transplant and that they are looking for a living donor.
Which means the family is pressuring all the siblings to get tested and to give up their organ.
The thing is my fiance does not have health insurance and has no job. He has a learning disability that he has never dealt with and therefore cannot work a desk job. He can only do physical labor jobs. And I am still in college and have no money or savings. And in a few weeks we are supposed to be married. Now I am asked to just pretend this isnt a big deal. We have no money and he could die or get sick from having an organ removed…
Plus I could end up being responsible for his medical bills for the rest of my life right after we get married.
I am very upset. I dont know what to do. I can’t handle the stress of college plus worry about being stuck with a medically compromised person for the rest of my life when we were suppose to be starting our lives together. We arent established in careers with health insurance and savings. We are young, havent even lived together yet, and now after 5 years of being together everything is going away when there is only 1 month to my wedding.
I dont know what to say to him. I was wondering if anyone had a similar experience? How did you deal with it? Please no mean comments cause I cant take anymore today that I already have.
Yeah family does come first. Problem is he has made me think that he was ready to make ME his new family. When you choose a bride you leave your parents behind and concentrate on your new family. Yeah it is honorable to want to rush in and save the day for your family, but at what cost?
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yes, and? u want someone to give u money or the wedding or smth? what was the point of your story?
what?
if you dont have money to get married and dont have an income then why get married? just put it off for a lil bit and see how everything goes. he has nothing to offer you and you have nothing to offer him. get you life together and then get married. and i really dont think there would be a medical bill for him. he is DONATING. his siblings insurance should pay for that
You sound pretty selfish. Weddings can be put off for a while. If a family member needs an organ, that’s obviously a time sensitive issue. How horrible would you feel if your fiance was a match and he didn’t do it because you couldn’t put off your wedding?! Grow up!!!
If you really love him, you would do anything for him. You would try everything you can to get a doctor if he gets sick, and you would pay the bills, even if you were short on money. Or, you can choose to break up with him, if it stresses you out so much that you were able to give up your fiance. I guess that’s love. You’d do anything for someone you love. But sometimes, even when you really want to, you just can’t. Some would even risk their own life to save their loved ones.
ohh boy !!!! I dont realy know how to answer this one, no matter what I or anyone on here may say, the call is yours and his……. but, I will say this…….. YOU have some soul searching to do….. You can not stop him from trying to save his sisters life, if you even try, well, it WILL cause major issues in the guilt department….. and I have to say this also…. YOU ARE NOT ready for marriage !!!!! Either of you !!!! sorry, but I know what can and will happen just by reading what you wrote……… NO MONEY causes BIG PROBLEMS !!!! suggestion #1. put off the wedding for another yr…….. if you are both still wanting it then get married……. God bless
I know this will sound harsh but honey he’s not choosing you over them or vice versa. If he is a donor for his sibling then would you want the sibling to die on the off chance your fiance is injured in the procedure. Live donor transplants may be able to be billed to the siblings insurance or may be subsumed by the hospital but you have jumped way ahead because he hasn’t even gone through testing yet. If he isn’t working and has no plans on it why are you getting married right now? You both need to be financially secure and in possession of health insurance in case something happens to either one of you. You would alienate the family even more by interferring with this process.
Ask your husband if he would like to postpone the wedding until things have improved for his family.
Well any family member will tell you that family comes first and you have to understand that some one is sick and even though he doesn’t have any insurance he has to help and you can not interfere. If his friends hate you find the hell with them your not marrying them it’s him. Don’t make him choose between you and his family because you will lose, you never ask a man to choose over his family, but for as his friends he has to come to a decision because you are the one he’s marrying and if he chooses them then it was never meant to be just let him go and move on (with someone who has insurance). If he can’t take care of his self what makes you think he can take care of you. He can’t even work so would have to work for the both of you, do you want a man like that? You want someone that can work and support you when you can’t go to work and can back you up when you can not pay the bills, you want some one that when you both retire you won’t be staying with your kids when you do. It’s time for both of you to grow up and if being miserable by marrying this man and putting up with his friends and family just to get married then do it, but make sure your doing the right thing.
I don’t mean to sound rude, but you are supposed to marry someone for better or worse, and if you aren’t willing to do that then maybe you should reconsider the whole thing anyway…
hope he wakes up and finds a real wife beofre its to late grow up money is not everything ever heard of love
Ok first take a depp breath or ten!!!
I think everything is just piling up.
First he may not even be a match. Secound if he is then it is time to evaluate the risks that go with donating the organ. Take things one step at a time. Also ask your self if you knew you had the power to save the life of a person who means alot to you how great of a risk would you be willing to take.
Is the email fight somthing that you can appoligize for. If it is over this stuff I’m sure they will understand that you are just stressed out and worried. Even if they don’t just let go trying to make ammends can go along ways. Just make sure not to put them on the defensive.
Next I understand that you have been together for a long time and really want to make that life long comitment but might you want to wait to get maried untill a point when you will be able to support yourselves. In adition to a time when his family is not going to be as stressed out.
First off, the siblings insurance company would probably cover the transplant. Secondly, I’m assuming the organ in question is a kidney–people can live whole and complete lives with only 1 kidney, and complications for the donor are usually rare–although they do happen. Obviously, complications are more serious for the recipient. Thirdly, your fiance MAY not be a match–so I wouldn’t get worked up over it until you know for sure he is a match.
Now for what you don’t want to hear….don’t marry this guy. Do yourself, him and his family a favor, and don’t do it. I don’t know what you did to get his friend angry with you, but the fact that you did it through e-mails shows a definite lack of maturity on your part. If you have no money, and no savings, you’re not ready for marriage, because you’re not able to financially support yourself, much less a family. Also, you don’t respect this man–to say that he can “only” do physical labor is just demeaning to him. Let him do what he wants to, he doesn’t need you telling him that he can’t do this, that or whatever. A wife is supposed to be her husband’s biggest cheerleader–and at times, that’s what you are. Heck, it sounds to me like you might even be cheering for the other team.
And, on the transplant, if my husband was in that same position of being able to donate an organ to save one of his siblings–I’d support him in doing so 100%, and I know he’d support me if I made that decision. I couldn’t NOT do it, knowing that my sibling or one of his siblings life was not what it could be (dialysis is NO fun–ask anyone who goes through it on a regular basis), and he or I held the power to make it better. You sound very selfish, and selfish people don’t do well being married. So, please, don’t marry this man. Unless you undergo a massive attitude adjustment, and soon, you’re headed for a divorce.
It doesn’t sound like your fiancee has chosen his family over you but right now their is a Family Emergency with one of their sibling’s that needs to be tended to and he wont die because they won’t take the organ if he’s not capable of surviving with out it..
You do have to sit down with your Fiancee and talk to him about how you feel about whats going on between the 2 of you ..as far as the fights through E-Mails should never have happened even though you needed to get your feelings out to his friends but there are other ways of doing it..This does sound like a big deal and you both need to get away from everything and everyone and sit alone together and talk about your happiness together and let him know how you feel and in return you sit and listen to him because you need a stable foundation for a future a future together for the 2 of you ..that is not far off that you are unsure of and in fear of it crumbling away you need to tell him all that you are feeling ..This may or may not help your situation but talking about how your feeling will make ALL the difference ..YOU will also find out things you don’t know about that will put your concerns to rest but no matter the out come ..postponement may be for the best till the family emergency is over ..what ever happends think positive and stand behind him in what ever he chooses …Just remember that you 2 will have a life time together once the dusts from this settles…Good Luck-Best Wishes to the both of you ..
So you’re in college and marrying some guy with an IQ in double digits. Geez I’d leave this trailertrash drama.
i have no idea what you’re talking about. You need to slow down and start over with your question? If there was one.
Sounds to me, like you have some serious issues with being nice to people… about the friends and the friend gf thing.
]About the other thing…. The organ thing….. They’ll be able to find an organ.. totally depends what kind of Organ y ou are looking for?!?! You didnt say.
The doctors arent going to test your fiance if he has no insurance, and I dont think that insurance will pay for someone else’s health through another person…
If your fiance has a learning disability and has no insurance, I’m sure you can get him health insurance through the state or SSI….. If you want more info on that.. email me
(my future Father-in-Law works with that stuff, so i know lots about it)
also, the state wont allow your fiance/husband to donate an organ because if he has a learning disability he wouldnt understand the entire concept of donating an organ, and therefore would not be a fit donor. The doctors would look at that as the parents saying, oh well, he’s got a disability he’s not good enough, take his organs………. so trust me, the docs wont do it through your fiance. They’d have to find a donor somewhere else. I really think you should email me, I can give you so much information.
You need to take a step back and take a deep breath.
Okay now, be smart.
Number one – no one knows if your fiance is even a match, so don’t get ahead of yourself.
Number two – your fiance’s body is his to do with as HE pleases. You do not OWN him, so stop acting like you do.
Number three – a doctor would never take someone’s organs if they were going to be medically compromised by the procedure – why would they want two sick people instead of one? The point is to get zero sick people from the procedure.
Number four – you can and probably should get a pre-nuptual agreement that states specifically that each of you will not be liable for debts incurred by the other spouse when it is in their name only. That way, if he has medical problems, he will be responsible for the debt, and will not affect your credit. Besides, this specific procedure would be covered by the transplant recipient’s insurance (private or medical/ medicare) so there will not be a charge to your fiance.
Number five – you need to start acting like his family, and wonder if this was your brother what you would do. You would want to help your brother to live if you could.
I’ll write here what one niece wrote about being a living donor for her uncle:
In November of 1997, I gave my uncle a kidney. He has not had one rejection episode or complication. Every year, he receives a clean bill of health, and his medication continues to be reduced, not increased. It’s a perfect match, and it’s a miracle. We have both learned and benefited so much from being part of this miracle. It’s a bond and experience that no one can possibly fathom who hasn’t been through it. I don’t see myself as a hero; I see myself as someone who was lucky enough to be the one who could help keep someone I loved very much here on earth a little longer.
You are obviously not ready to be married. If you were, you wouldn’t only be thinking about how all of this family stuff effects YOU. You’d be thinking of his family as your family, and you wouldn’t be angry at the thought of having to take care of a disabled husband.
You are still in college, you are still very young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Postpone the wedding at the very least, and take some time away from your fiance. You need to figure out what it is you want in life. I think you’ll find that your life wants and frame of mind are not in the right place for marriage. The worst thing you could do is get married when you aren’t 100% committed to it…that’s why the divorce rate is so high. Trust me, postponing (possibly indefinitely) the wedding is your best course of action right now.
Your fiance should utilize his time away from you, also. Perhaps his priorities are different now that his life may be turned upside-down for his sibling. Don’t feel like a terrible person if you decide to walk away…staying in a situation where you are not happy or comfortable isn’t going to be doing him any favors. ( I should know…I come from a 3-cancer survivor family – Both parents and little sister)
Good luck.