I have been with my fiancee for over 6 years, and his cousin has been dating a girl for LESS than ONE year – we’ll call her Alison. Alison seems normal and nice enough, BUT she is coming on incredibly strong. It’s one thing to visit her boyfriend’s parents’ house on a weekly basis, but she also visits MY fiancee’s parents’ house — i.e. her boyfriend’s aunt & uncle. She just sent out Christmas cards to everyone in the family (including us) that were signed, “With all our love.”

When my fiancée was going to propose, he let our families know ahead of time so that they could come watch if they wanted. Alison & my fiancee’s cousin came, but she scowled the ENTIRE TIME and barely even congratulated us. Later, my fiancée mentioned to his mom how surprised he was, and his mom replied, “Oh, she just wasn’t feeling well.” I’ve known this woman for 6 years and we’ve always gotten along fine, but now she’s defending Alison in a situation where she was, clearly, wrong. (If you’re not feeling well, then either plaster a smile on your face or stay home and rest.) The funny thing is, one time, I was at one of their family functions and was incredibly sleep-deprived from work, and my fiancee’s mom complained to him that I looked “unpleasant” while there – she certainly wasn’t understanding of ME! (This was one time out of 6 years’ worth of functions that I even seemed “unpleasant,” mind you.) I feel like even my fiancee’s own mom is on Alison’s side for some reason, even though she’s known me for far longer and things have always been fine.

Now, even though they’ve been dating for less than a year and are NOT engaged, Alison informed us that she has “claimed” a particular wedding date in 2011. I am so frustrated with her that I almost want to set that date for ourselves (immature and petty, but that just illustrates how upset I am).

When I reflect upon why I might be so resentful, several factors come to mind. My fiancée and I both suspect that his family still likes Alison a lot – maybe even more than me. That’s frustrating, because I have worked to build a good rapport with his family over 6 years – WITHOUT coming on too strongly, too quickly – and she’s trying to have all of the same things immediately. And, in my opinion, it’s phony. “With all our love”? She barely even knows me. Also, my fiancée told me that Alison can’t wait to get married so she can stop working and just live off of his cousin and have babies. (She is not even working at all right now.) Meanwhile, I’m in professional school and will have a six-figure salary in 5 years, yet my fiancee’s family doesn’t respect me for being an independent woman who won’t mooch off of one of their family members?

My goal is to deal with this resentment and refrain from creating any problems whatsoever in the family. I just don’t have a clue about how to do it.
In response to Garnet Glitter’s (scathing) reply: Of course it’s very difficult to raise children and keep up a household. However, she currently does not even live with her boyfriend; she’s simply not working towards any sort of career in the hope that, someday SOON, she won’t have to. Big difference between actually being married and making that life choice.
Also, we have waited 6 years because we started dating at age 16.