A fairly good but not amazingly close friend of mine called Alex is invited to my wedding. He is not very clued into how to respond to a wedding invitation, as in what’s OK to do and what’s not because he is kinda a young guy without a lot of experience with weddings in general, and I am pretty sure the engraved jobbie job he got for my formal wedding was his first invite to a black tie affair.
Last month I sent out my invitations for my late July ceremony, and he still hasn’t RSVP’ed. No problem there really, lots of people have but he still has some time to get back to me. Then today I get a voicemail from him saying, “I might have to skip your ceremony, but I’d love to come to the party afterwards.” Like he’d made some other plans. To me, that means he should send regrets, since he won’t be able to attend the WEDDING, which is the point of coming – not just to enjoy the free food. I feel like this is discourteous. He’s the kind of guy to whom I would just flat out say, “Darling, that’s not polite.” Except – is it really impolite? I have heard of people being invited to the wedding but not the reception and I think this is rude, is this equally rude? I feel like he is just using my wedding as a chance to show off what fancy friends he has to this girl he wants to impress. I don’t even know her and he didn’t get a +1, he just assumed. Argh!
Yes it is rude.
I can see it from both ways, maybe he’s working on the day and can’t take time off, or something similar.
But then again, It is kind of rude just to turn up to the party, but at least he will be there.
If you want to ask him about it, do it in a friendly way so as not to offend him.
yes it is very rude for the exact resons u stated
I would be offended if I knew someone purposefully didn’t come to the ceremony because they didn’t feel like it but still came to the reception, but I fully expect there may be some people who don’t make it to the ceremony who would still like to celebrate with us after. My sister has five children who are also invited, if they are being particularly badly behaved that day and she is more comfortable just bringing them to the reception I would be GRATEFUL. Some of my family notoriously run late, and some people– the friends– are most likely not going to be “saving the date” resolutely and may have another obligation to tend to. I’ll be grateful to anyone that shows up at all. If you think he just doesn’t feel like coming to the ceremony then if I were you my feelings would be hurt and I’d be pretty pissed, but I am making it a point not to bother with questioning people on why they are or are not attending, that is just a recipe for frustration I don’t need.
I have heard of several people who, because of certain time committments, cannot make it to the wedding but they want to show the couple that they wish them their best, by showing up to their reception.
I do not think this is rude. If I invited someone to the wedding and they couldn’t make it because they already had something they had comitted to, I would be thankful that I could at least spend time with them at the reception. (You did invite him to both, so he may be simply explaining why you won’t see him at the ceremony)
You can tell him that’s not polite, but truth be told- you invited him to both and if you tell him this he may be hurt. If he is a “fairly good friend” then you should be glad he’ll be there to celebrate with you!
Yes, that is very rude!!
It’s quite common for someone to attend just the reception, and some brides and grooms invite people just for the reception. Yes, the point of the wedding day is to get married and have a ceremony but the point of the reception is to celebrate the marriage. Nothing wrong with showing up just to wish you well and to cheers the happy couple. Who knows what obligations he had beforehand.
Of course, this is just my point of view.
You might want to casually ask him if there is something going on that would prevent him from coming to the ceremony. If he has a legitimate reason it might not be as rude as it appears. But if he is just blowing you off for the party, let him have it with both barrels!!
Not every one that invited to the ceremony and reception attends the ceremony. And that practice in generally accepted as being ok. As you said, your friend is not very experienced in these things. But it was a ‘not bad’ effort for a first time. He did let you know that he couldn’t make the ceremony but could make the reception. That’s ok too. But since it’s probably his first wedding affair, why don’t you give him a call or text him (a call would be better) and tell him that it’s ok to miss the ceremony And come to the reception. And tell him that your glad his coming to the reception because he’ll be missed at the ceremony. Congrats. & Good Luck.
People do it all the time. The only difference was that he told you ahead of time, which most people don’t. If you don’t want him at the reception you shouldn’t have invited him at all. You seem to be so suspicious of his motives. He’s supposed to be a “close friend.”
I agree that double-checking whether he has a legitimate excuse for missing the ceremony would be a good idea before you gently attempt to explain to him that this is more than just an excuse for a “party,” and maybe he should plan on just coming to the shower if that’s all he can commit to.
The plus-one thing, though? That’s definitely not okay. He needs to understand that unexpected guests cost money. Better he get the etiquette lesson from you than from a less sympathetic friend, or someone he’d really need to impress.
Short answer: Yes, it is rude.
Long answer: You have invited him to both ceremony and reception. Unless he has put forward a genuine reason why he is unable to, then he needs to come to both. Sounds like Alex just can’t be bothered.
Think of it this way. Your guests have been invited because you think highly enough of them to share the happiest day of your life with them. By sacking the ceremony and only turning up to the party he is a bit if an insult to that and you should tell him. If he is areal friend then he will understand. If he gets upset then let him. You have bigger things to worry about like er…GETTING MARRIED!
There are legitimate reasons why someone might skip a wedding ceremony and/or reception: other invitations, having to work, travel plans, etc. However, it’s not really your place to go checking up like a school principal to see if someone has a legitimate excuse. Rather than analyze which act of rudeness is ruder, just concern yourself with avoiding the rudeness under your control: being a good host, mingling with all the guests, writing prompt TY notes, etc. Try not to make any level of guest rudeness your problem.
There is nothing rude about have a small ceremony and inviting a great many people to the reception you hold after the ceremony. And there is nothing rude about welcoming the whole world to your ceremony, spending some time greeting those who went to the trouble of attending, and then leaving for a small private celebration with only closest family.
Now let’s deal with your young friend who does indeed seem to be rather innocent of manners. “Alex, I’m so sorry, but it’s simply impossible to accommodate your request. If you’re not able to arrive before the ceremony begins, then you shouldn’t accept the invitation.” You deal with the matter of the “date” by saying “Alex, you know that I’d love to meet your new sweetheart, but the wedding is only for people we know and care about. Can the lady spare you for the day?”
If you guys aren’t close, he might feel weird sitting through the ceremony (he’s a guy, after all), and thinks it would be less uncomfortable at the party. Then again, things happen. He might have something that he can’t miss early on but still wants to pay his respects. I’d let it go, and just be happy he wants to attend.
Unless he has a valid reason for skipping the ceremony it is extremely rude.
My sister in law was prevented from attending my ceremony by her partner (he delibrately took too long to get ready so she couldn’t attend the ceremony). I got my chance for revenge on the creep this morning- they live in a caravan in the backyard of our extended family home ( 3 generations under our roof), there is no toilet in the caravan and I’m the only person home in the house- the doors are locked, I’ve turned off the power to the caravan- it’s bloody cold,he has no heat and the nearest public toilet is 3 kilometers away!
Very rude.
A lot of people WORK on Saturday, so yes, he may not be able to attend the actual wedding but still wants to share in your celebration.
My husband had 5 weddings last year in June. He often had to work until 2, which made it difficult for him to attend 3 of the 5 ceremonies. For one wedding, he attended the wedding, but not the reception because of a problem with one of his kids. Life happens. Take a breath.
I think the way he said it was rude, but MANY people dont go to the wedding and go to the reception, especially if they arent really close to the person. In my opinion he should have RSVP’d saying he would attend, but then just skipped the wedding. You would have never noticed.
I’ve known of plenty of cases where the wedding itself was very small but lots more people were invited to the reception.
The whole point of inviting someone is because you want them to share in the happiness of the day. I’d be happy if they could only make it to part of the celebration.
I’m not so sure it’s rude – I’m sure there any many different opinions on this topic.
Be polite and ask why they are missing work. Try to get them to admit that they are skipping your wedding if you find a loophole in their response. It is rude, in my opinoun to miss the ceremony but show up to the reception